Remote
by Finite Sledgehammer
Summary: All Ichigo wanted to do was spend the day on the couch... crackfic of fun.


**Remote**

Finite Sledgehammer

_Disclaimer: I owneth not this wonderful thing known as Bleach. Or Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends for that matter. ;)_

* * *

The good: It was Sunday, his family was at the mall, the fridge was full of food, he'd already finished his homework, and Soul Society had reported a temporary atmospheric phenomenon that made it difficult for hollows to make their way into the real world.

The bad: It was raining. Which for once, was fine with him; he had every intention of spending the day on the couch, sunny weather would add an unwanted complication to things; sometimes the lure of the outside world was too much to take. He'd taken precautions by remaining in his pj's, sleeping in until eleven, and leaving his hair un-gelled for the first time in a very long time.

Today would be a good day. Except…

Ichigo paused at the base of the stairs to stare up the shadowy portal. He had mixed emotions over what, or rather, who was currently occupying the second story of the house. He couldn't figure out why Rukia was still here; she _loved_ the mall. She loved the mall so much she had a tendency to drag him to it whenever possible. They'd spent the better part of yesterday performing Konso's, and the hollow threat was next to nil – she really didn't have any reason to still be here. Logically, she should be running rabid through the toy store with his dad and sisters; a bunny plush in one hand and some sort of caffeinated/sugary somethingorother in the other.

Furrowing his brow, he shuffled into the kitchen to grab some snacks before he beached himself on the sofa for the day. It wasn't that he didn't like hanging around with Rukia, he'd just had hardly had a moment to himself these past few weeks.

"Well," he muttered to himself as he balanced a can of soda on top of the Tupperware that contained last nights leftovers, used his free hand to snag a bag of chips and some chopsticks, "as long as she stays up stairs it shouldn't be too bad." _Just can't run around in my underwear…_ he added silently, just in case she had super hearing - which she sometimes did.

He made his way into the living room and began arranging his munchies in an easily reachable semi-circle around the couch. Nodding as he inspected his handiwork, Ichigo scooped up the remote, spun it expertly then laid claim to the couch by diving on to it. Mushing a pillow around to a more comfortable shape, he half rolled onto his side and clicked on the TV.

"Hey."

_Crap._ "Hey."

Rukia was silent for a moment. He was semi-aware of her poking her head over the back of the couch. "What'cha watching?"

"Just channel surfing."

"Oh good."

_Uh oh…_ He scowled. "You're not watching Chappy the Bunny."

"You don't get that show here." She sighed, coming out from behind the couch and flopping in the chair. Ichigo was intrigued to note that she too was still in her pajamas. "I wanted to watch the _Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends_ marathon – it starts in ten minutes."

He rolled his eyes. _So _that's _why she's still here._ "Tough luck, I got here first."

"Oh come on, you just said you're just channel surfing." She snapped.

"Yeah, until I find something I want to watch." He snorted.

"Why didn't you check the schedule?"

"It's more fun this way."

"Come on, you can surf after the marathon's over." Rukia sighed. "There's nothing else on all day, I already checked."

"Nothing _you_ want to watch." Ichigo rolled his eyes. "And since when do you know how to use the TV?"

"I read the manual." She huffed haughtily. "I even know how to unlock the adult channels."

Ichigo sputtered and shot his head above the arm of the couch to gape at her. "What!"

"Oh, _now_ you're interested, perverted boy!" She chortled.

Ichigo fought back a blush and glared at her. "N-no! I didn't even know we got those channels! Besides they'd be password protected!"

"Masaki." Rukia rolled her eyes. "Isshin-san really should pick a better password, he's too predictable. Took me two minutes to figure it out."

Ichigo felt his jaw drop. He honestly hadn't realized they had… and that his Dad… _eeew_. Wait… "You didn't like, _watch_ any of it…?"

"Just a little." She wrinkled her nose. "Wasn't particularly interesting – actually, the manga was much better."

Ichigo felt his brain explode as his head hit the couch. _Rukia reads…? She was watching… she… she_… His fragmented thought process was shattered as she cackled maniacally. He realized then that he no longer had the remote.

"Hey!" He yelped, sitting up.

"Gotcha!" She crowed, brandishing the remote.

"What!"

"You're right, your Dad didn't order the adult channels." She snickered as she changed the channel. "You shoulda seen the look on your face!"

He pulled himself into a crouch and glared hard. "Give it back!"

"Nope!"

"Dammit, Rukia, I finally get a day to myself and you have to –"

"Hey, it's my day off too you know!" She interrupted.

"Why the hell didn't you go to the mall with the family then?" Ichigo pointed in the general direction of the mall.

"Because I wanted to watch cartoons all day." She growled, countering his stare with a death glare of her own.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to channel surf all day. My house, my TV, my REMOTE!" He lunged, but Rukia was already out of the chair.

"News flash; it's my house now too!" She grinned sadistically from her perch on the back of the chair.

"Is not!" Ichigo snorted, glaring up at her.

"Is to! Or have you forgotten that your Dad declared me an Official Honorary Kurosaki? Eh, Ichi-nii-chaaaaan?"

"Shaddup!" He attacked again but Rukia easily dodged.

"Man, you're slow when you're in your body. How did you survive all these years?" She giggled.

"That's it, you're goin' down!" He really hadn't wanted to move any faster than a slow walk today but Rukia had crushed that dream into the cold hardwood floor. She yelped as he flash stepped to directly behind her, then deftly snatched the remote out of her hands.

"What the – I didn't know you could do that when you're in your body!" She leapt away and assumed a combat stance, pointing a bewildered finger at him.

"I didn't either until I did it by accident the other day." He grinned then whipped the remote around, changed the channel from behind his back. "Game over I – GAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Ichigo pried his face off the floor and drummed his fingers on the polished wood, attempting to formulate a plan. Unfortunately, nothing particularly brilliant came to mind. Heaving a sigh, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and bolted after her.

* * *

Kon poked his head out of Ichigos room as first Rukia, then the strawberry himself thundered past.

"Give it back, midget!"

"Stop chasing me moron! The marathon starts in eight minutes!"

"What makes you think you're watchin' it!"

"I have the remote! She who has the remote has the power!"

There was a crash and the sound of bedsprings creaking ominously, but Kon was sure that the impact matched up with someone jumping from bed to bed in Karin and Yuzus room. He hoped he was sure.

"Hey! Don't do that! You'll break their beds!"

"Please, I hardly weigh anything!"

"Ha! So you admit you're a runt!"

"Shaddup! You're just freakishly tall!"

"_OW!_"

Kon blinked as Rukia cackled and exploded out of Karin and Yuzus room.

"See! If you were shorter, I would have missed!" She crowed as she sprinted past. The pint sized shinigami bolted down the stairs as if death held no meaning for her. Which it didn't.

Ichigo slid into the hall, one hand on his face. "I think you broke my nose!" He whined, sounding a bit nasal. Kon gripped the wall as the much larger shinigami blew past, practically throwing himself down the stairs. The mod soul looked down at the manga he'd been reading then tossed it over his shoulder.

"This is way more entertaining." He chuckled to himself, and high tailed it downstairs to watch. He scrambled into the kitchen and climbed up onto the counter just in time for the main event.

"Last warning, Rukia. Hand. It. Over." Ichigo held out his left hand, the right was busy rubbing his nose, which was swiftly turning purple.

"Never!" She declared, then squinted. "I didn't _really_ break your nose did I?"

"Nah, pretty sure it's just bruised." Ichigo grumbled. He went cross-eyed for a moment then he flickered out of sight, only to reappear next to Rukia. She was ready for it, planting a sold kick to his gut. Ichigo grunted and stumbled back. The fight was on.

Kon felt his jaw drop as he watched the remote be captured, then recaptured. As near as he could tell, they weren't pulling their punches - or kicks for that matter. Luckily, those full powered kicks and punches only occasionally made contact and even then they were solidly blocked.

Rukia swept Ichigos legs out from under him. He started to flip backwards but hit the edge of the kitchen table. He went down hard, the remote went flying. Rukia laughed triumphantly, snagged the remote out of the air and bounced into the living room.

Ichigo grumbled something under his breath, climbed wearily to his feet, then flickered out of sight again. Rukia let out a giggle that broke off into a startled yelp. And then… then it was too quiet. Kon threw himself off the counter and ran into the living room, an odd sense of dread coming over him as he cautiously crept around the couch…

* * *

Ichigo hadn't really meant to tackle her – well okay, he _had_, he just hadn't expected it to actually work. She was supposed to dodge, she was supposed to kick him, or whack him with a pillow, or get behind him somehow and get him in a headlock and give him a noogie before he knew what was going on. She was not supposed to be…

For a dazed instant he feared that she'd _let_ him tackle her and that this was all some elaborate plan to do something _really_ mean to him but he could just see the remote out of the corner of his eye; it was resting on the floor by the TV. He'd honestly caught her off guard, the remote had gone flying with the impact.

It wasn't so much that he was on top of her – that tended to happen when you tackled someone, it was that his face was less than an inch from hers, she had her hands on his shoulders and her legs… his hips…. he swallowed hard. He couldn't move, try as he might, he just couldn't get himself to move, couldn't even pry his eyes away from hers. He was sure he'd die of a heart attack any time now (if Rukia didn't kill him first), and a rather annoying voice (that sounded suspiciously like the hollow only less psychotic) pointed out that that wasn't necessarily a _bad_ thing since Rukia wasn't making any move to push him off. Him being officially dead would really simplify things between them…

_Spoke too soon._ That voice commented a heartbeat later, as Ichigo wondered how the hell he'd wound up with his head wedged between the couch cushions.

"Sorry." He grunted. "I didn't mean to, I mean, uh…"

"Ah huh. I know." Rukia replied, sounding suspiciously cheerful. The couch shifted as she flopped back down. He could hear the theme to _Fosters_ playing.

Sighing, he tried to extract himself from the couch but found it surprisingly difficult. If he hadn't known better he would have thought she'd glued his face to the cushions. "Uh… what'd you do?"

"Bakudou #48."

"Oh okay, I can break that."

"Mmm, no. I control it but it uses _your_ reiatsu to fuel it."

"Oh." He winced.

"Shhh! Bloo's talking."

It occurred to him that being face first in the couch with ones rear in the air was a rather undignified and ultimately dangerous pose. "Ummm… did I say I was sorry? I really am…"

"This would be twice now. Gotta be some kind of record."

"Can you let me up now?"

"Yeah, on commercial." Rukia said vaguely. He heard the pull top on his soda snap, then the chip bag rustle.

"Rukia…"

"I believe you!" She reassured, patting him on the back. "If I didn't, you'd have one helluva wedgie right now!"

"Uh…" Ichigo shuddered, "thanks."

* * *

A/N: This was brought on by a conversation with Overtoned. Hooray for plot bunnies! - Lemme know if you spot anything out of place or misspelled or whathaveyou.


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